Malkav
-The chief exports of John Petrucci are 64th notes.
-John Petrucci once played a solo so fast that his fingers broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Jimi Hendrix while he was trying to sleep.
-If you ask John Petrucci what time it is, he always, always says, "15/8."
John Petrucci has a box of souls he's amassed over the years after being challenged to "shredding contests". His box includes the souls of Steve Vai, Joe Satriani, Jimi Hendrix, Randy Rhoads, Yngwie J. Malmsteen, and the Devil.
Music stores have banned John Petrucci because whenever he enters, all of the guitar necks bow down to him.
John Petrucci doesn't practice, since it implies the chance of ****ing up a note. He shreds.
John Petrucci has two modes: walk and shred.
If stranded in the forest, John Petrucci can start a fire by playing a tremolo-picked solo of 64th notes until his pick catches fire.
John Petrucci once ordered a Big Mac at Burger King... He got it.
There is no guitar companies...just axes Petrucci has decided to not play
John Petrucci once broke all the strings on my guitar... I was just listening to his CD...
John Petrucci was originally hired as the devil's guitarist in "Crossroads." Steve Vai and the Karate Kid stepped in as emergency replacements after Petrucci's solo in the duel vaporized the original lead and melted three cameras on the set.
Jordan Rudess isn't bald because he shaved his head. He's bald because he mistakenly stepped onto Petrucci's side of the stage during soundcheck, while JP was firing of a face-melting salvo of 64th notes. Luckily, due to Rudess' keyboard shredding cred, he merely lost his hair in the process. Anyone less would have the skin tone of Skeletor.
John Petrucci can play five notes at the same time...on the same string.
If at first you can't play quintuplets @ 200 bpm, you're not John Petrucci.
John Petrucci once played his Mesa at 10... and survived
John Petrucci is not metal.. metal is John Petrucci
John Petrucci's guitars set themselves on fire
John Petrucci goes to 12.
when he wanted a seven string guitar, he just started to shred so fast that his music man morphed into a seven string guitar
John Petrucci eats D'Addarios for breakfast.
Scientist have proven that John Petrucci only has one finger, which moves so fast, it is never percieved as fewer than four fingers by the human senses. If he had more than one finger, scientists believe the universe would exceed critical energy density and collapse on itself, which would destroy everything (except, of course, John Petrucci, who can be neither created nor destroyed, only moved from one style of shredding to another).
John Petrucci has filed lawsuits with Gillette, claiming that their razor product named "Mach 3" is actually the name of Petrucci's first three fingers on his left hand.
They were going to release a John Petrucci edition of Clue, but the answer always turns out to be "John Petrucci. In The Library. With the Speedy Lick."
John Petrucci is a major cause of house fires. Home stereo speakers burst into flames from the effort of reproducing his playing, quickly turning into a raging inferno that consumes everything in the house. Except John Petrucci cd's.
John Petrucci is the only person Area 51 can trust to shred top secret documents. If fact, he shreds them so fast that he breaks the documents down to a molecular level.
John Petrucci once told the cavemen that he gets his tone by using lizard skins as grille cover cloths. That was the end of the dinosaurs.
John Petrucci's right hand is so fast it is actually twelve years younger than the rest of his body.
John Petrucci has had the tendons in both wrists replaced with kevlar -
John Petrucci once transcribed and played an entire phonebook on guitar - in under twelve seconds.
amphetamines are made from DNA scraped from John Petrucci's right hand
John Petrucci invented tig welding - when he used stainless strings and a metal pick
John Petrucci invented gravity - when space-time tried to keep up with his right hand.
John Petrucci uses a bee and a megaphone for a metronome.
John Petrucci can clean his entire house with the vacuum created by his sweep arpeggios.
If Yngwie was half as fast as John Petrucci, the enegry consumed by his right hand would burn off all the excess fat on his body.
In the future, the speed of warp drives used for faster than light space travel will be measured in Petruccis. The speed of light is approximately 1.89x10^-50 Petruccis.
John Petrucci does not own an 8-string, because in his hands it is classified as a weapon of mass destruction.
Mesa does not make amps for musicians. Mesa makes amps for Petrucci, who selflessly allows us to use them. The amps are free, but we are all required to pay John Petrucci a suckage tax.
Once JP pops his pringles he can stop.
John Petrucci goes fishing in public swimming pools, and never comes home empty handed.
The kind is walking by the neighborhood(spell?) and hears some fast guitar playing, he walks in the house and sees Malmsteen shredding with machine gun fire on the background. The kid in awe asks:
-Sir, whats the machine gun for?
(said with swedish accent)- Oh! its my metronome.
The other day the kid walking down the street hears some sloppy slow playing.
He walks in the house and sees Benji Maden (good charlotte) strumming the strings with an 117 years old blacksmith hammering a piece of metal.
He asks:
-Sir, whats the old sir for?
-Oh kid, its my metronome.
So the kid is walking one more time down the street and hears some loud gunfire with incredibly fast guitar playing. He walks in the house and sees 4 automatic machine guns firing one after the other coordinately(spell?) and Petrucci shredding.
He asks:
-Sir, whats that?
- Oh kid, its my warm up exercises.
When John Petrucci bowls, he doesn’t even have to roll the ball, the pins just fall down out of pure fear.
John Petrucci once won the Tour de France….he was riding a tricycle.
If John Petrucci existed during WWII, not a single Allied solider would have died.
John Petrucci is Chuck Norris’ real father.
John Petrucci plays so fast that he single handedly caused global warming.
John Petrucci once worked out his guns…Charleston Heston resigned as president of the NRA.
John Petrucci once killed a man and murder became legal in all 50 states.
When Kevin Moore left Dream Theater, John Petrucci willed Pluto to be declassified as a planet.
Brad Pitt touched John Petrucci and immediately became gay.
After watching John Petrucci play, the Pope had to add an 8th deadly sin...playing better than John Petrucci.
On the 7th day, God rested. John Petrucci took over.
John Petrucci is Luke Skywalker's real father.
If you want a list of John Petrucci's enemies, just check the extinct species list.
John Petrucci drinks napalm through his hands to cure his heartburn.
John Petrucci uses pepper spray as eye drops.
John Petrucci once kicked a horse in the chin. Its decendants are known today as giraffes.
If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: John Petrucci.
In a recent survey it was discovered that 94% of American women lost their virginity to John Petrucci. The other 6% were incredibly fat or ugly.
If it looks like beef, tastes like beef and smells like beef, but John Petrucci says it's pork, then it's f`cking pork.
John Petrucci never counts into a song or solo, he simply says "now".
John Petrucci is strong against water type pokemon.
John Petrucci once developed a craving for penguins. He traveled to Antarctica and devoured several hundred before realizing that penguins give him gas. Hence, the hole in the ozone layer.
John Petrucci's country solos cure cancer, too bad he plays only prog.
