How to suck at guitar, my 12 step program...

UncleGoatLips

I just had the urge to write this, hope you enjoy...

1. Crank the distortion, if you ever see a gain knob turn it up all the way!!

2. Multi-effects processors are sweet dude!! Don't waste your money buying expensive stomp units, get yourself a multi-effects unit like the Boss GT-10, they really sound like the real thing, fuck yea, the effects are really awesome as well man!!

3. Effects rule! Reverb? Up to 10 please, phaser? yep, its the coolest sound in the world!! Wah? Every single note you play needs to be wah'd. Bass needs to be turned up all the way!!

4. You only ever need to know the minor pentatonic scale, it's the only scale in existence, don't ever try to add notes or move it to get the modal thing, just play the scale up and down as fast as you can and all the 16 year old kids would think you are a guitar god.

5. PLAY FAST! Speed is everything!! Youre playing a ballad? No prob, shred it!! You don't have to worry about timing or getting the songs tight or nothing, just think "what would Herman Lee do?" Sweep picking and tapping is awesome as well man!!

6. Practice is for geeky loser types.

7. Music theory cramps your personal style. Knowing music theory won't help you at all, in fact you have your own personal style and knowing theory will just make you sound like everyone else. It doesn't give you any new options or anything, in fact, it gives you limitations.

8. Amplifiers have nothing to do with your tone, you could literally just plug your guitar into your pc and guitar rig will sort it out for you. If you need to play live, get yourself one of those line 6 jobbies with all the sweet effects built in, those things sound phat yo!!

9. Be superior, you are the best guitarist in the world, don't let anyone tell you otherwise! If anyone offers advice, take it as an insult, who are they to talk to you anyways? Didn't they just see you sweep the hell out of hotel california?

10. Brand is everything, if it doesn't say Gibson on it, it sounds shit and you are poor.

11. Remember, it is not about playing for the song, it's about being louder than everyone else in the band, to impress the chicks. While youre at it, get the band as loud as possible, then get your level above the rest.

12. Your guitar is tuned just fine, if not, tune it on stage, by ear and take a long time to do it, let everyone hear you tune but never really get it right. As they say, it's close enough.

If you follow these steps I am confindent that you will become a sucky guitarist in no time!!

Warren

Tonedef

This reminds me of that email going around that specifies in glorious ex cathedra pomposity, just how exactly you're supposed to braai, including the finer details of skottel-orbital ettiquette. :roll:

StephenG

13. Give yourself a band name, then register an internet webdomain in the name of your band - but have bugger all content on the site, yet still include the link to the empty site with nothing in it, in your signature on all internet forums... chicks dig that !!

Keira-WitherKay

? you forgot a few

14. keep buying drinks and making "visits" to the car park before your bands gig since everyone knows the more the band drinks /drugs
the better they sound
15. even if you tone deaf and can't hold a note just insist on being the lead singer as well as the guitarist , , no one needs training or natural talent to be a vocalist

IceCreamMan

hey , i dont need no 12 step program to suck at guitar :-[

[deleted]

UncleGoatLips wrote: I just had the urge to write this, hope you enjoy...

1. Apply distortion where a clean tone would be better.

2. Never learn how to master the usage of effects or what they do.

3. Overkill effects usage to destroy the immediacy in your tone.

4. Don't bother to learn any theory!

5. If you learn any theory by accident, make it more important than the song itself.

6. Don't practise.

7. See 5.

8. See 2!

9. Don't bother trying to learn from every guitarist you come across.

10. Brand is everything.

11. Don't use dynamics in a band setting and don't bother getting the volume mix right.

12. Don't consider the listener.

If you follow these steps I am confindent that you will become a sucky guitarist in no time!

Fixed!

Tonedef

Stratisfear, your #9 isnt necessarily a bad thing. I bought a metronome at a little guitar place at a local flea market near me. The proprietor told me that metronomes are a waste of time and money, he doesnt believe in them, your foot is good enough. Even a noob like moi knows thats a load of kak. Hence #15: dont use a metronome, theyre for idiots.

UncleGoatLips

Keira: 15 is so me ?

raithza

in before this devolves into another discussion of modeling vs valve :-\

UncleGoatLips wrote:
Every single note you play needs to be wah'd

I'm guilty of this ?

costafonix

Keira WitherKay wrote: ? you forgot a few

14. keep buying drinks and making "visits" to the car park before your bands gig since everyone knows the more the band drinks /drugs
the better they sound
15. even if you tone deaf and can't hold a note just insist on being the lead singer as well as the guitarist , , no one needs training or natural talent to be a vocalist

16. Set your amp/pedal to full overdrive and strum your guitar ~~like crazy~~ fiercely ala-Gypsy Kings style
17. Keep turning your back to the audience while you adjust your amp settings thoughout every song,,, why use up drinking/smoking/chatting up chicks time to do a proper sound check before the gig starts,,,,, ?

Mr-M

I live by these rules! :dance: :goodtimes: :roflmao:

arjunmenon

UncleGoatLips wrote: 2. Multi-effects processors are sweet dude!! Don't waste your money buying expensive stomp units, get yourself a multi-effects unit like the Boss GT-10, they really sound like the real thing, fuck yea, the effects are really awesome as well man!!

? Lol. Guilty on this count. Although i don't believe they replace the real thing, they do come pretty close. As for effects, i totally endorse the idea of discovering new sounds and applications for the various effects that are out there. The real deal (i.e. amps w/4x12s & pedalboards) is great if you can afford it and have a nice van to transport it.
Speaking of which, do you own a GT10?

UncleGoatLips wrote: 5. PLAY FAST! Speed is everything!! Youre playing a ballad? No prob, shred it!! You don't have to worry about timing or getting the songs tight or nothing, just think "what would Herman Lee do?" Sweep picking and tapping is awesome as well man!!

While i'm not entirely guilty of this one, IMO speed applied at the right moment(s) can add a different level brilliance to a piece of music.
As Al Di Meola mentions in a GuitarPlayer interview, too often people diss speed just because they can't do it.

Tonedef

Ja, speed is for idjuts ?

guidothepimmp

hey hows the pedal treating you dude?

LouisNeilson

Tonedef wrote: Stratisfear, your #9 isnt necessarily a bad thing. I bought a metronome at a little guitar place at a local flea market near me. The proprietor told me that metronomes are a waste of time and money, he doesnt believe in them, your foot is good enough. Even a noob like moi knows thats a load of kak. Hence #15: dont use a metronome, theyre for idiots.

There's some truth to this, in that we start to become too reliant on metronomes and other things for our timing, and don't develop our inner timing too well.
I mean, I'm not saying don't get a metronome - but there's advantages to practicing with it only ticking on the 1 when you're actually going

Tonedef

guidothepimmp wrote: hey hows the pedal treating you dude?

Ek smaak daai ding stukkend! It keeps me noodling into the wee hours. I'm forever experimenting with new sounds, i need moar user banks! J/k lol.

It was a really great buy!

singemonkey

Arjun Menon wrote: While i'm not entirely guilty of this one, IMO speed applied at the right moment(s) can add a different level brilliance to a piece of music.
As Al Di Meola mentions in a GuitarPlayer interview, too often people diss speed just because they can't do it.

I totally agree with your first point here, but not the second. I'd really like to be able to play fast (although I have other development priorities at the moment) and it's great to hear a flurry of notes played by a great guitar player like Mclaughlin or Di Meola (and I've recently decided that I rather like Paul Gilbert). But most of the dissing comes from the fact that some players are elevated to household names (among guitarists) who play ugly, tasteless music, but are still revered because they can play fast.

It may be true that as a result some guitar players dislike any speed. But it stems from these dorks who play hideous music and yet are still revered in certain quarters because they can play really fast. The "shredding-as-sport" school of thought is what people hate. It comes from when you're a teenager and someone says," Malmstein's so great. He can play faster than anyone." And you're like, "But you're missing one thing." "What?"

"He sucks."

Wizard

LouisNeilson wrote: There's some truth to this, in that we start to become too reliant on metronomes and other things for our timing, and don't develop our inner timing too well.

I think you develop your inner timing by playing regularly with a metronome ...

Keira-WitherKay

Wizard wrote:
LouisNeilson wrote: There's some truth to this, in that we start to become too reliant on metronomes and other things for our timing, and don't develop our inner timing too well.
I think you develop your inner timing by playing regularly with a metronome ...

this is a 50 /50 thing one needs enough work with a metronome to get the timing tight BUT if one always uses a metronome drum machine or even live drummer your timing when you play without it will suffer....as louis said play with a metronome just giving you the 1 beat and fill it 234 for yourself.that will teach you how to keep time. but if you use the metronome to give you 1/2/3/4 all the time one gets lazy ......

listen when you hear people playing live...... and you know they are great ( perfect timing) when they do a recording (with metronome) but live when you take it away the metronome and the whole performance starts to "swing( in a bad way not a jazz way ? ) like a barndoor in a tornado" and afterwards they can't understand why their timing sucks live ..
and as you noticed some top drummers use click tracks when playing live to help eliminate this......