THE AWESOMENESS THAT IS ALAN

Heath · 2009-01-14T11:19:18+00:00

(10:48:52) Lawrence: Alan doesnt tune guitars...he just looks at them and they tune themselves!!!(10:51:06) CornFlakes: chuck norris has a tatoo on his arm of Alan (10:52:25) Lawrence: If Alan wrote down all his guitar knowledge it would be bigger than wikipedia (10:52:46) Lawrence: Les Paul is afraid of Alan (10:53:18) Lawrence: Alan doesnt take apart guitars..they see him and disassemble themselves (10:53:18) CornFlakes: alan uses his hair for strings (10:55:02) Tailon: alan doesnt write music , he just stares at the paper and the note assemble themself (10:56:07) Tailon: alan can divide by zero (10:57:13) Tauriq: Alan does not sleep.. He waits.... (10:57:22) Lawrence: Alan CAN tuna fish!!! (10:58:36) Tailon: alan can touch mc hammer (10:58:38) Lawrence: Alan doesnt play softer everyone else just gets quieter (10:59:51) Tailon: alan can slam a revolving door (11:00:13) Tauriq: Alan is the reason why waldo is hiding. (11:00:56) Tauriq: Alan can play 5 guitar parts at once. One with each finger. (11:03:22) Lawrence: the force is afarid of Alan! (11:03:31) Tauriq: Alan can play a world tour in five minutes. (11:03:45) Tailon: alan can play all songs in one chord (11:04:36) CornFlakes: alan doesnt need pick ups, he gets people to pickup for him (11:04:40) Tailon: alan plays so fast his guitar neck had to be made out of tituam alloy (11:05:51) Tauriq: When Alan plays air guitar sound comes out. (11:06:22) Tailon: The First Law of Thermodynamics states that energy can neither be created nor destroyed... unless it meets alan (11:08:54) Tailon: We live in an expanding universe. All of it is trying to get away from alan (11:09:43) Lawrence: Science is wrong...Alan is actually the center of the universe!

Neps

hahaha... i leave the chat for an hour and this happens..

but out of fear for alan, i'll go back to chat

CDee

Alan Ratcliffe wrote
Manfred Klose wrote What is radio frequency glue? does keep unwanted EMI out?
It's a type of hot glue that you heat with radio waves in the frequency of 2 to 30 megacycles. You clamp the two pieces of wood together with the glue in between and plate electrodes on either side then apply the RF. The nice thing is it heats up the wood and glue uniformly, unlike steam and other methods.

Alan does this by touching the guitar the right way...

CornFlakes

Bwhahahaha....

Neps

(12:48:09) Neps: alan can kill 2 stones with one bird

(12:50:02) CDee: Guitar Hero was origanaly a tribute to Alan, but elas, the technology does not exist yet to capture what he can do and was thus changed to feature more mediocre artists.

CDee

Alan is the only living being still able to play the elusive H chord.

Bob-Dubery

Some say that his snores are contrapuntal and perfectly in time. And that the CIA have tried to kidnap him with a view to forcing him to build a basser-than-bass stratocaster with plutonium pickups that can induce shockwaves with a richter number in the 4 digit range.

All we know is that he's called "Alan".

Squonk

sorry to really harp on with this

But Alan knows where the lost Robert Johnson song is!
Pity Ralph Macchio didn't know this!

Heath

And We're off again
Some new facts about alan

(15:21:48) Tailon.: There is no 'ctrl' button on alans computer. alan is always in control.

(15:22:17) Tailon.: Apple pays alan 99 cents every time he listens to a song.
(15:22:31) Stratisfear: I heard Vernon Koekemoer likes to dress up as Alan.
(15:22:44) andrewjbryson: lol
(15:22:59) Tailon.: When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for alan.

(15:23:15) andrewjbryson: Fritz dont need to setup a guitar, he simply says "detect" and the action and intonation sets itself....
(15:23:31) Tailon.: # There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures alan has allowed to live.

(15:23:59) Tailon.: Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with alan.
(15:24:12) Fritz_Brand: I hear Alan is building a Fender Signature model
(15:25:00) Tailon.: alan doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is
(15:25:06) Fritz_Brand: as in instead of Fender building an Alan model

(15:26:45) Tailon.: Scientists have estimated that the energy given off during the Big Bang is roughly equal to 1APGS (alan playing guitar solo)

(15:27:51) Tailon.: While urinating, alan is easily capable of welding titanium.
(15:27:54) andrewjbryson: Alans piezo switch : When Alan puts a jack in his mouth his finger's act as piezo pickups

(15:29:00) Tailon.: alan invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

(15:29:36) Fritz_Brand: Alan does not use Neutrik jacks, as no jack can teach alan a new trick

(15:31:13) Stratisfear: On the eighth day, Alan built another guitar.
(15:31:44) Neps: jimi hendrix set himself on fire, cause he couldnt stand the awesomeness that is alan

(15:32:08) Fritz_Brand: Alan can whistle the tone of a 58 Les Paul played through a 59 Bassman

(15:32:33) Stratisfear: And beatbox the rhythm section at the same time
(15:32:42) Neps: in the beggining there was ala.. nothing much really happend after that..

Heath

15:34:58) Fritz_Brand: The Ozone Layer is actually just Alan's aura

(15:37:17) Fritz_Brand: The Fuzz pedal was modelled after the sound of Alan's fart

(15:37:32) Neps: Jimmy Page, Jimmy Hendrix and Robert Johnson are walking around on the golden streets of heaven. When out of nowhere Alan appears. They look at each other and run. When they are quite a distance away Hendrix looks at Page and says 'You arsehole, why did you have to give him directions by writing Stareway to Heaven?'

(15:38:16) Fritz_Brand: Robert Johnson actually sold his soul to Alan

(15:39:10) Tailon.: alan can play a plank of wood and make it sound like a '56 strat
(15:39:17) andrewjbryson: michael angelo batio is afraid to drive with Alan (speed kills) - not everyone going to get that joke

(15:39:50) Fritz_Brand: Tailon dude, Alan can make a box of matches sound like a 56 strat
(15:39:59) Fritz_Brand: plan of wood is too easy
(15:40:03) Fritz_Brand: *plank

Heath

(15:43:27) Tailon.: alan invented the sun so he didn't have to turn on stage lights

(15:43:45) Stratisfear: ChatBot reports to Alan.

(15:44:43) Fritz_Brand: Frank Zappa is just a stage name Alan used to use back in the day
(15:44:48) Tailon.: alan invented wood so he could build guitars
(15:44:52) Fritz_Brand: so is Moses
(15:45:25) Fritz_Brand: and teh opening of the red seas business was just "moses" hitting a power chord on a lute

(15:46:15) Tailon.: alan handed moses chord theory on the hill

(15:46:31) Fritz_Brand: Tis said that Alan can bend a string 3 times around a neck without any buzz

(15:47:54) Tailon.: alan gave us pulses so we would understand bpm

Heath

(15:50:58) Neps: No band will ever have the name the Alan Ratcliffe Project, cause there are no other people who can read Alans charts except Alan

(15:52:40) Neps: The reason we have SuperGroup rock bands is cause Alan allowed it

(15:54:22) Tailon.: Noah was the only man notified before alan relieved himself in the Atlantic Ocean

(15:55:24) Tailon.: alan doesn't go on the internet, he has every internet site stored in his memory. He refreshes webpages by blinking.
(15:55:31) Tailon.: that one may well be true
(15:56:09) Fritz_Brand: the internet is a subset of the right hand side of alans brain
(15:56:34) Tailon.: alan can win a game of Trivial Pursuit with one roll of the dice, and without answering a single question... just a nod of the head, and a stroke of his guitar.

(15:57:29) Tailon.: The First rule of alan is: you do not talk about alan.

(15:58:30) Fritz_Brand: ever found it strange that the thing you use to adjust a truss rod is named after Alan?
(15:58:39) Fritz_Brand: it's not, he invented it

aubs1

Tailon. wrote (15:37:32) Neps: Jimmy Page, Jimmy Hendrix and Robert Johnson are walking around on the golden streets of heaven. When out of nowhere Alan appears. They look at each other and run. When they are quite a distance away Hendrix looks at Page and says 'You arsehole, why did you have to give him directions by writing Stareway to Heaven?'

Hahahaha....LOL.....you guys are awesome........so that's where Jimmy Page is hiding?....wondered what happened to him! ?

[deleted]

Can Alan defend himself against fresh fruit?

Ha Ha

DonovanB

Tailon. wrote Alans pulse is measured in beats per minute

sorry but thats a fail, everyone's pulse is measured in beats per minute...

Squonk

Viccy wrote
Can Alan defend himself against fresh fruit?
Ha Ha

He can, but it's because he's scared of the 16 Ton weight! or the pointed stick ?

TomCat

DonovanB wrote
Tailon. wrote Alans pulse is measured in beats per minute

sorry but thats a fail, everyone's pulse is measured in beats per minute...

Ahhh....but Allan can change time signatures with his pulse......7/8....9/8.....4/4........

Dirk

Alan isn't hung like a horse.. Horses are hung like Alan

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