vic
Did you hear about the female opera singer who had quite a range at the lower end of the scale...... She was known as the deep C diva.
Semiconductors are part-time musicians.
"Doctor, doctor will I be able to play the bass after the operation?"
"Yes, of course..."
"Great! I never could before..." :?
DonovanB
How do you get a guitarist to play slower? put music in front of him...
and my absolute favourite;
An explorer was traveling through the wilds of deepest, darkest Africa with a few native porters and guides. Far off in the distance, he hears drums pounding.
Well, the explorer is naturally concerned, so he consults his guides. They reassure him, "There is nothing to worry about. When the drums stop, it's time to worry." This didn't make him feel much better, but he kept going.
Gradually the drums got louder and he asked his guide again. "When the drums stop, it's time to worry" was the response he got again.
Eventually the drums got so loud, the explorer would have sworn that they were right next to him. Then all of a sudden, they stopped. With a trembling voice, he asked his guide what would happen now. With an equally trembling voice, the guide answered, "oboe solo."
deefstes
Donovan Banks wrote:
An explorer was traveling through the wilds of deepest, darkest Africa with a few native porters and guides. Far off in the distance, he hears drums pounding.
Well, the explorer is naturally concerned, so he consults his guides. They reassure him, "There is nothing to worry about. When the drums stop, it's time to worry." This didn't make him feel much better, but he kept going.
Gradually the drums got louder and he asked his guide again. "When the drums stop, it's time to worry" was the response he got again.
Eventually the drums got so loud, the explorer would have sworn that they were right next to him. Then all of a sudden, they stopped. With a trembling voice, he asked his guide what would happen now. With an equally trembling voice, the guide answered, "oboe solo."
ROFL ROFL ROFL LMAO LMAO :roflmao: :roflmao: :roflmao: :roflmao:
Norman86
A young child says to his mother, "Mom, when I grow up I'd like to be a musician." She replies, "Well honey, you know you can't do both."
Q: What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombonist's arm?
A: A tattoo.
Q: What's the difference between a banjo and an onion?
A: Nobody cries when you chop up a banjo.
Q: What do you call a drummer in a three-piece suit?
A: "The Defendant"
Q: Why do clarinetists leave their cases on the dashboard?
A: So they can park in the handicapped zones.
Q: What did the drummer get on his I.Q. Test?
A: Saliva.
Q: What is the difference between a drummer and a vacuum cleaner?
A: You have to plug one of them in before it sucks.
Q: What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?
A: They both perceive time as an abstract concept.
Q: How are a banjo player and a blind javelin thrower alike?
A: Both command immediate attention and alarm, and force everyone to move out of range.
Q: Why are violist's fingers like lightning?
A: They rarely strike the same spot twice.
Q: How many guitar players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 13 - one to do it, and twelve to stand around and say, "Phhhwt! I can do that!"
Tuba Player: "Did you hear my last recital?"
Friend: "I hope so."
Did you hear about the Tenor who was so arrogant the other Tenors noticed?
Q: How can you tell when a singer is at your door?
A: The can't find the key, and they never know when to come in.
Q: What do you do if you see a bleeding drummer running around in your back yard?
A: Stop laughing and shoot again.
Q: How many 2nd violinists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, they can't get up that high !!!!!!
Q: What's the last thing a drummer says before he gets kicked out of a band?
A: "When do we get to play MY songs?"
Norman86
How do you get two piccolo players to play in perfect unison?
Shoot one.
What's the difference between a fiddle and a violin ?
Who cares - neither one's a guitar
How do you know when the stage is level ?
The drummer is drooling out of both sides of his mouth ..
Did you hear about the guitarist who was in tune ?
Neither did I
Why are so many guitarists jokes one liners ?
So the rest of the band can understand them
A trombone player and an accordion player are playing a New Years's eve gig at a local club.. The place is packed and everybody is absolutely loving the music .. shortly after midnight, the club owner comes up to the duo and says, "You guys sound great .. everybody loves you .. I'd like to know if the two of you are free to come back here next New Year's eve to play ?? ...
The two musicians look at each other then to the club owner .. and the trombone player says "Sure .. we'd love to .. Is it OK if we leave our stuff here ??"
Two guys were walking down the street ...one was destitute ...
the other was a guitar player as well ..
How is an orgasm like a drum solo?
You can tell it's coming but there's no way to stop it.
What do call a successful musician?
A guy whose wife/girlfriend has 2 jobs.
A mindreader is at a nightclub one night and decides to give a small demonstration of her abilities.
First, she reads the mind of the lead guitarist: "Wow, look at all the cute chicks who showed up tonight! Good crowd!"
Then the drummer: "Lots of people showed up tonight...Great! we're going to make good money tonight"
Then the Keyboard player: "All three of these guys have no appreciation of my talent...What a bunch of losers"
Finally, the Bass player: "C...G...C...G..."
In the 22nd century..how many guitarists will it take to replace a light source ??
Five..one to actually do it ...and four to reminisce about how much better the old tubes were.
vic
What's the difference between a soprano and a pirhana?
The lipstick.
What's the definition of an optimist?
A drummer with a mortgage.
What's a accordion good for?
Learning how to fold a map.
I was playing in a night club some time ago...... Towards the end of the night, a man walked up with a few rand in his hand and asked me to play a jazz chord. I played an Amaj7.
He said, "No, no. A jazz chord."
I did a little improvisational thing, but he didn't like that either.
"No, no, no! A jazz chord. You know, 'A jazz chord, to say, ah love you.'" :?
deefstes
Jacquesg4j wrote:
Johnny is having a chat with his mom:
Johnny: "mom, when I grow up, I want to be a drummer."
Mom: "oh Johnny, you know you can't do both!!"
Q:How do you know a drum stage is level??
A: the drool comes out equally on both sides of the drummer's mouth.
Norman86 wrote:
A young child says to his mother, "Mom, when I grow up I'd like to be a musician." She replies, "Well honey, you know you can't do both."
How do you know when the stage is level ?
The drummer is drooling out of both sides of his mouth ..
Uhm Norm, if you're going to copy and paste the contents of a website, could we ask that you at least remove the ones that's been posted already? ?
Norman86
A violinist says to his wife, "Oh, baby, I can play you just like my violin."
His wife replies, "I'd rather have you play me like a harmonica!"
"Haven't I seen your face before?" a judge demanded, looking down at the defendant. "You have, Your Honor," the man answered hopefully. "I gave your son violin lessons last winter." "Ah, yes," recalled the judge. "Twenty years
A drummer, sick of all the drummer jokes, decides to change his instrument. After some thought, he decides on the accordion. So he goes to the music store and says to the owner, "I'd like to look at the accordions, please." The owner gestures to a shelf in the corner and says "All our accordions are over there." After browsing, the drummer says, "I think I'd like the big red one in the corner." The store owner looks at him and says, "You're a drummer, aren't you?" The drummer, crestfallen, says, "How did you know?" The store owner says, "That `big red accordion' is the radiator."
~ A Jazz Guitarist's Dilemma! ~
If you have a lot of chops and use them .. you play too many notes
If you don't have a lot of chops ..you don't play enough notes
If you're a high energy player ..you don't play with enough feeling
If you play with lots of feeling you're too sappy
If you like a fat round sound..your sound is too fat
If you thin out your sound..you're sound is too thin
If you play a lot of chordal solo's..why does he play so many chords?
If you chord work is sparce..he doesn't play enough chords.
If you use heavy strings..why does he use such heavy strings?
If you use lighter strings..he should use heavier strings to sound better
If you sit and play..why doesn't he stand?
If you stand why doesn't he sit?
If you smile..what's wrong with him?
If you don't smile..what's wrong with him?
If you play two measures in octaves..Wes was a big influence
If you play more than two measures in octaves..you sound just like Wes
If you like to play "out" what's he doing, can he really play?
If you play " inside". Yeah! But can he really play?
If you play an Archtop ..why does he need such a big guitar
If you play a solid-body that's not a jazz guitar
If you're not a good reader..he can't read
If you're a good reader..why?..some of the best players couldn't read
If you like to dress up and look neat..who does he think he is?
If you don't look neat..he's still a hippie
If you grow a beard..what's he hiding?
If you're clean shaven..he doesn't look like a jazz musician
Finally
You introduce yourself as a jazz guitarist ...
Oh God! Not another guitar player!
There were two people walking down the street. One was a musician. The other didn't have any money either.
domhatch
Norman86 wrote:
A violinist says to his wife, "Oh, baby, I can play you just like my violin."
His wife replies, "I'd rather have you play me like a harmonica!"
:roflmao:
Nicholas-L
:roflmao: :roflmao: :roflmao: :roflmao: :roflmao: :roflmao: :roflmao: :roflmao: :roflmao:
I nearly wet myself from laughing
